Playing Catch Up

Sorry I've been neglecting my blog so much lately! I'm trying to change, I really am!

Ok let's go back to February 5th, shall we? :
I went in to get a fill...my first since OCTOBER! I've been bumped back, re-scheduled, and cancelled on enough and my surgeon's office KNOWS it now. My regular fill lady (sorry, I'm not sure what her exact title is?) wasn't available again so instead of being re-scheduled once more, I agreed to see their newest surgeon in training for my fill. * sigh * I feel bad for being mean because I know he's learning, but even learning surgeon's need to know that I am NOT a human pin cushion! He stabbed me 9 times trying to find my port! 9!!!!! And STILL couldn't find it! The entire time I'm in tears, because it hurts so bad when he pushes down trying to find it, and then he's pressing on my ribs so I can't breathe and I'm trying to tell him my port is NOT in my RIBS! Then I'm trying not to throw up on him because he's pressing down on my stomach, my actual stomach...again...my port is NOT on my STOMACH! So he keeps saying "it's impossible, it's impossible" and I'm just like "really??? because Melissa has never had a problem finding it the 4 times she's done it before you!" Again...I know he's new and trying to learn and doesn't have as much experience but holy cow. So I asked if we could do it under x-ray instead and he was very enthusiastic about that so I said "great, where do I go to do that?" and he said I'd have to schedule that. NOOOOO!!! I live almost 2 hours away from my Dr's office, I have to take time off work (sometimes) to go there, and I have to pay a co-pay every time. AND I had not had a fill since October and I STILL have NO restriction. I lost it...I broke down and started sobbing uncontrollably, I was a mess. I was shuddering and gasping...lol, it was quite a scene. So I got my co-pay back but still left with nothing but 9 new holes in my stomach. If he had put some ink on the fill needle I'd have about half a tattoo. On my way out the appointment setter said she'll call me to schedule the fluoroscope.

Now let's cut to February 16th:
After about 10 calls to find out when my fluoroscope will be scheduled, I'm told that Melissa (my normal fill girl) wants me to come back in for her to try to fill me. I asked if we could just skip this BS and go straight for the fluoro and she said no. Ok then.

Moving on to March 1st:
I had my fill with Melissa and got in really fast. I vented all my frustrations and she said that she was going to completely un-fill me and see how much is still in my band, and then re-fill me with the intention of it being way too tight to see if it is filling properly. Well, she un-filled me but by the end of the visit, I only had 1 more cc put in, and I was no where close to choking on my water. So I guess that puts me at 9 ccs in an 11 cc band :( She did go ahead and schedule my fluoroscope right then and there and told me if this fill does the trick we can always cancel the fluoro. Oh...also, the tenita scale in my Dr's office (the kind that print out the little receipt that tells you all your body stats) said I gained 5 lbs...but I've been going to the gym for about 2 months now so I asked her to check if any of that was new muscle. She goes "WHOA Steph!" and I misunderstood and started crying, thinking it was all just fat as usual :( But she showed me the screen and what actually made her go "whoa" was because in one month I had lost 21 lbs of fat and gained 26 lbs of muscle! So I should be happy right? Nope...in my brain I still gained 5 lbs and am 5 lbs closer to being back at my starting weight :( And how can someone lose 21 lbs of fat and still look the exact same? My clothes aren't looser, nothing is thinner...I don't get it.

Cut back over to today, March 16th:
NO RESTRICTION!!! Not even a tiny bit!! UGH! So all I can do now is keep trying to not cheat (which is so ridiculously easy when you're not restricted), keep working out, and try to keep a positive attitude until April 2nd when I have my fluoro scheduled. I'm actually hoping that they DO find something wrong. At least then there'd be a reason why it hasn't been working, you know? And then I'd have hope that when they fix it, things will be on track for me and I'll start losing once again!

In addition to all of this nonsense, I've been really depressed about my upcoming birthday. I'm turning 25 on the 20th :( I KNOW I KNOW 25 is not old. In fact I'm actually the youngest out of all my friends and most of my family. But still...it's really bumming me out because I'm no where NEAR where I wanted to be by this age. I KNOW most people aren't ever where they want to be...yadda yadda yadda...but hey...it is, after all, my party and oh yes...I will be crying.

So I've just been moping around for the last week and haven't done a darn thing. It's amazing how if you skip laundry day just ONCE all of a sudden by the time next laundry day rolls around you have to wash every single thing you own. One basket of laundry turns into five somehow. It's a mystery.